I used to play with a guy that wore a helmet, in Toronto

i'm not really sure about the ethics of this but since i can't really think of anything to write about the sauce besides the fact that i've been meaning to ask him why he and josiah STILL have not removed the name of their former bandmate from the answering machine, i thought that this post, via the greatest combination of runs and rant EVER, deserved a reprint for anyone that doesn't regularly read yardwork. so, w/o further delay, the latest edition of Pay Rickey...stop reading if you don't care about baseball:


This is the time of year when you’re supposed to gather with friends and family and reflect on things you’re thankful for. But Rickey Henderson ain’t thankful for sh-t! There are some dudes out there signing some pretty big contracts. But are any of them named Rickey? Hell no! Is Rickey’s phone ringing? Rickey hasn’t heard it!

Here are some things that Rickey ain’t thankful for:

- Scott Boras. Man, f-ck a Scott Boras! Scott Boras goes up there and writes a big old book on Johnny Damon and says that Johnny Damon is better than Rickey Henderson? Scott Boras has some nerve. Rickey’s seen Johnny Damon. You think Rickey Henderson wouldn’t walk around with a paper bag over his face all day if he had that noodle arm and that stupid haircut? Please! Johnny Damon should be ashamed of himself. Rickey even saw one game where Johnny Damon jumped into a wall in center field because he was too stupid to just stop running. You think Johnny Damon has the lizard-like instincts that allow Rickey Henderson to stop on a dime like only Rickey Henderson, or a lizard, can? Fuck a Johnny Damon!

- The Los Angeles Dodgers. That whole Moneyball sh-t sure worked out, huh? They fired that stupid punk Paul DeProvenza, all right! Serves him right - did you see the chumps they had playing left field last year? The Los Angeles Dodgers are disgraceful. Jason Grabowski? Jayson Werth? Rickey Henderson will tell you what Jayson Werth ain’t werth - a job in the outfield of the LA Dodgers. Even that Milton Bradley is a sorry-ass ballplayer. Milton Bradley should stick to making board games instead of pretending he can play in the big leagues. (Rickey likes that Mouse Trap game, though!)

- Having a birthday on Christmas. This is some real bullsh-t. When Rickey was a little kid, Momma used that same old lame-ass excuse to get out of giving good presents. “This is for your birthday and Christmas combined.” Man, funk dat! Birthday and Christmas combined means you get a stocking with a busted-ass orange in the toe and a couple Wacky Packages! Chock Full o’ Bolts? Bull! This year, Rickey was watching “Scrooged” on A&E and Rickey Jr. was all, “Here, Dad,” and he only gave me like one pair of underwear! Them sorry-ass old Jockey shorts with The Pouch! Is Mrs. Rickey telling Rickey Jr. something Rickey Jr. shouldn’t know about Little Rickey?

- Getting old. That’s some garbage right there. Rickey thinks people shouldn’t get old like they do, getting all senile and busted hip like that. It’s wrong, and it’s not right. Rickey now knows more than Rickey ever did, and Rickey should be able to do something with this! For real money! That Jacque Jones, what’s he do? Nothing, that’s what. He ain’t even the best Twin out there - that’s Tory Hunter. Hell, he ain’t even the best Jones! But he’s getting paid. He’s getting paid with money that Rickey should be getting. Jones is taking money away from Rickey because he’s younger than Rickey. That’s age racism, and Rickey ain’t happy with that. Try putting that under a Christmas tree.

- Pitchers. They ain’t worth it. Folks be trading for pitchers, or signing pitchers, and giving them all this money, and for what? They can’t do anything that Rickey can’t do, if Rickey wanted to. But they’re getting lots of money. And for what? They can’t hit. Rickey know they can’t steal bases. Any pitcher own the record for most runs scored? Didn’t think so. Hell, Rickey spent his entire Major League career making pitchers look stupid. But they still get paid, and Rickey ain’t getting jack.

- Billy Beane. His book said he’s all about folks getting on base and scoring runs. That’s what Rickey does! That’s what Rickey always does. Rickey did it for the A’s back in 1998 for Billy Beane. Billy Beane loved Rickey then - where’s the love now, Billy? The minute Rickey popped out of Rickey’s mom, he was scoring runs. Hell, Rickey came out head-first! Because that’s the way Rickey rolls - head-first, all the time. And you know who walked more than anybody ever. Lemme give you a hint - his name’s Rickey. But I guess Billy Beane doesn’t want people that walk and score runs anymore. That’s why he hasn’t won any playoff games. Because Billy Beane don’t know a damn thing about baseball. If he did, you know what he’d do. He’d PAY RICKEY! That's right.

This holiday season, give the gift of Rickey!

PS...SM and Oldham will NOT be on tour with the Silver Jews. (from the horse's mouth)